Mike, you sound so jaded. It makes me kind of sad. I begin to fear that you may be one of those people who notes on his online dating profile (nope, I’ve never peeked) that he’d like to meet for a quick cup of coffee first so that you can avoid “wasting each other’s time” if there’s no chemistry.
Have we really come to the point where other human beings aren’t worth getting to know unless we expect that they will fill a pre-defined need or desire? Is it not worthwhile to take a person as he or she comes and make whatever connections come naturally? Is it a waste of time to get to know someone kind and interesting if she can’t or won’t become a romantic partner?
In my experience, the best way to get to know someone is not to narrow my view of him/her in advance. That means not reducing someone to a particular category or deciding that he might or might not qualify for an open position in my life. The quick screen (Are you single? Am I attracted to you? Are you looking to get into a relationship?) reduces people to far less than they really are, dismissing so much possible value.
It seems to me that the scenario you seek to avoid–the situation where you find out someone is in a relationship and “pretend to be happy for her”–is actually triggered by the mindset that identifies someone as a prospect instead of just a person. If you meet someone and relate to her as a human being and someone who could become one of many things–a casual acquaintance, a date, a friend, a co-worker, someone you might not wish to continue a relationship with at all–then there’s no expectation and nothing to be disappointed about if she turns out to be unavailable. Maybe, on those terms, you might even find yourself actually happy for her if she were in a good relationship.
