In Mike’s last post, he questioned whether love was really love if it went unreturned. It’s a question I’ve heard debated many times, but I think it’s a silly one. Love isn’t dependent on getting what you want; love is the opposite of “what’s in it for me?”
I think this question is a reflection of the sad fact that we’ve largely twisted the definition of love to mean something like “something that makes me feel good”. Of course, love can make us feel good, but there’s much more to it than that.
If my adult child decides that she hates me and huffs off to never speak to me again, will I love her any less? When my beloved grandmother’s senility eroded her brain to the point that she didn’t recognize me, did I stop loving her? Of course not. So why would the standard be different for love that included an element of romance or sexual desire?
The important question that seems to be raised in Mike’s post is a different one altogether: “Should I continue this relationship?”
The answer to that question is probably crystal clear, but it’s not dependent on what that other person might or might not feel. It’s dependent on what you need to be satisfied with the relationship and whether or not you’re getting it.
You’re not going to bring him around. You’re not going to wear him down. He’s not going to learn to love you if you just stick around long enough. He’s not going to see the light and realize that you’ve always been the best thing that ever happened to him like some teenager in a John Hughes movie. It is what it is and it’s up to you to take it or leave it AS IS.
I’ve discussed this issue with a lot of people, and there seems to be a general assumption that “take it or leave it?” in this context is somewhat rhetorical, that if you truly accept that you’re not going to get what you want, walking away is the only thing that makes sense. I don’t necessarily think that’s true. In fact, sticking around has worked very well for me.
For years, I had an on-again/off-again relationship with a man who loved me far less than I loved him. For the first six months or so, it was painful, and it might have seemed the wise thing to just walk away, but I made a different decision. I decided instead to embrace reality. What we had together was wonderful. It wasn’t what I’d originally hoped for and never would be, but when I removed my goals from the mix and looked at the situation as it really was, it was all good. We learned from one another, supported one another, played well together, thought well together and really, truly enjoyed each other’s company.
“So what was the problem?” you might be asking. I certainly asked that in the beginning. But I quickly recognized that it was the wrong question and abandoned it. The idea that there was a problem was born entirely of the fact that things weren’t proceeding according to my original goals. In other words, that I hadn’t been able to bend him to my will. The reality was simple: there were things about our relationship that really worked, but he wasn’t ever going to marry me. He wasn’t ever even going to be my boyfriend.
If having someone in my life full-time had been important to me at that stage, then it would have made a lot of sense to walk away. If you know what you want and it’s clear that you’re never going to get it, there’s little to be gained by hanging around beating your head against the wall and hoping that at some point it will stop hurting. But that wasn’t how it was for me. I was happy with where I was in life and he added to that; he wasn’t standing in the way of anything I especially wanted or needed. In that context, it made sense to simply take it for what it was–and what it was was good for a long time.
But you can’t have it both ways. You can’t play at accepting the way things are but secretly keep hoping that they’re going to change. You can’t say “friends is better than nothing” when you really mean “friends leaves me in a position to keep hoping things will change”. Reality is. Start there, and it won’t matter in the least whether you decide to name it “love” or not.
High quality insights. I loved to read your article. You have got to be putting bundle of time into your blog
I think everyone has different ideas on this topic and a lot looks on the age of the responder. As I have aged, my antecedences have converted. I no longer look for anyone to make me happy, I look for society, person that will work with me for a common goal. Other than that, it is up to yourself to be ready, and until you determine to take care of yourself, your only preparing yourself up for heartache and trouble by calculating on others to do that for you. One thing is that a love relationship is to much to charish to be advertising in the first post. Maybe you don’t have the brave for her, but if she passions you she will help you with that. Just enquire her what am i doing wrong to piss you off and also make sure that each conversation at to the lowest degree one matter is right.
This is an interesting perspective on this subject. Please update your blog on a more regular basis! Also, can your readers to send in topics they would like to personally ask you about? Right now I have a specific question on this subject because I am writing a book about dating in today’s world and how things are different than a generation ago. I’d like to ask for your input…
I discovered your site because I’ve been exploring ways to get more successful with dating. Not too long ago I got dumped by my girlfriend and difficult. I’m afraid to say my “skills” with flirting are rusty, to say the least!
I find this refreshing. I stumbled on this site while researching a bit and will surely visit back. I’m into dating, well, not litterally since I’m married, but rather in an accidemic sort of way. I find it an interesting subject, and also enjoy reading what others have to say on the subject. I’ve never been a success myself, but I did find somebody.. on-line, the perfect somebody and am now happly married. For those still in the game, good luck too you. Umm.. sorry for rambling.. anyhow, I will check back often.
Hey everyone, greetings from Finland. This is a cool site. I’m wondering if you have any advice about staying out of the friend zone with girls? Honestly I’m sick of girls telling me they just want to be friends. Perhaps I’m being too much of a nice guy?
In today’s world where the bar scene is so full of tarts… it’s a good thing there’s online dating people to connect (even if they are half a world away)
Greetings from Germany. This is a cool site. Does anyone have any advice about staying out of the friend zone with girls? I’m really tired of women telling me they just want to be friends. Maybe I’m being too much of a nice guy?
Cool stuff, thanks…right now I have a question on this issue because I am writing a book modern dating and how to get a girlfriend in the modern world. I’d really like to ask for your comments on this new trend of guys studying “pickup”, and I’m curious if this stuff works? Is there one “dating coach” out there who truly has techniques that work?