This may seem an unlikely starting premise for a dating and relationship blogger, but getting into a relationship isn’t necessarily everyone’s ultimate goal…nor should it be. I intended to write about something else today, but this line from Mike’s post about unhealthy relationship patterns hit me so hard that I had to drop what I was working on and respond: “I fall into unhealthy relationships because that is all I know. If I met a person who was capable of being in a healthy relationship, I wouldn’t know how to interact with that person and that is not a comfortable situation to be in.”
I’ve read those two sentences at least a dozen times trying to find some kind of meaning in them that makes it reasonable or consistent to continue to pursue relationships, and I just can’t find it. All I can glean from this is that Mike is saying that he’s incapable of a healthy relationship and that if he finds a woman he knows how to interact with, that means she’s also incapable of a healthy relationship. That would seem very healthy and self-aware and like a step in the right direction if he weren’t…you know…looking for a relationship. But when we put those two things together, what possible conclusion can you draw except that he’s knowingly seeking out an unhealthy relationship with an unhealthy woman?
This isn’t, obviously, just about Mike’s post. It is, in fact, one of those unhealthy patterns he talks about. People who aren’t healthy enough to form healthy relationships work hard at getting into relationships–probably harder than the healthy people, because they’re looking to fill some kind of need. But I think most of them actually believe that finding the “right person” will “fix” everything. The thing that stunned me about Mike’s comment was the awareness, the conscious decision to do something that you’ve already determined can’t possibly work.
And who wants to be that woman? I know Mike would (and often does) say I’m too picky, but there’s something about a guy basically saying “You know, I wouldn’t know what to do with a normal woman who was capable of a healthy relationship, so maybe I could go out with you” that’s decidedly unromantic and unflattering.
Yet, consciously or unconsciously, it seems to be a societal norm. People in all stages of brokenness and confusion are encouraged by friends, relatives, the media and their own unfulfilled needs to “get back out there” and “find someone”. (Lather. Rinse. Repeat.)
What’s wrong with getting comfortable with yourself first? What’s so unthinkable about working on the problems that keep you from forming healthy relationships before you try to build another one? Why don’t the basic principles that apply everywhere else in life seem to apply in the relationship arena?
If you were building a house on a concrete slab and the whole process went to hell because you didn’t let the concrete dry before you moved on to the next step, would you start over and make the same mistake? How many times would that have to happen before you realized that you were never going to get anywhere if you didn’t let the concrete dry first?
You know, the irony here is that concrete doesn’t dry, it “Cures”. Which actually works better in your analogy. Take time to “Cure” before you get into a relationship.
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