I’ll never forget the day that my lawyer friend came to help me on a construction project I was doing. He was completely out of his element but also willing to learn and a very quick study. It was a good experience for him and I’m sure he got more exercise than he normally does at the gym. I don’t think he will give up his day job to become a construction worker but he did get a glimpse of what it would be like. It was a new experience for him but it wasn’t a comfortable situation to be so far out of his element.
This is what I was referring to when I said that I wouldn’t know how to be in a healthy relationship. A relationship that is actually building something rather than resolving issues of previous relationships (like a divorce lawyer does). I’m not saying that I wouldn’t be up for it, or wouldn’t quit my day job of finding toxic relationships. It would just be awkward and uncomfortable for me, at first, not to have to “fix” somebody.
Recognizing that I have a tendency to get into unhealthy relationships is not enough to change that pattern. I would have to know what a healthy relationship looks like if I wanted to find one. This is where having expectations or a “Wish list” becomes very limiting. By clinging to the idea that I know what I want, I might miss out on something I never even knew existed. Hey, I didn’t know I liked sushi until I tried it.
So, now it is more a matter of knowing what I don’t want. That’s a more clear list to understand because it is all the things that I have experienced. I know I don’t like okra because I’ve tried it. It’s amusing how many people will say, “That’s because you haven’t tried MY okra”. Look, it’s okra whether you fry it, boil it, bread it or blend it into a milkshake it’s still on my list of things I do NOT want.
As far as not being alone for five minutes is concerned, I’ve been alone for five years. Just because I can be alone doesn’t mean I should be or want to be. And I don’t see anything wrong with tossing out the wish list and trying some new relationships. How can I possibly know if a relationship will work or not unless I bother to take the time to find out? At the very least, I may learn a few more things that I like or dislike.
It’s hard to know how to respond when the facts keep changing. In the 15 months or so that I’ve known you, you’ve been in two relationships and dated other women. You’ve talked about at least one other fairly serious relationship while your daughter was living with you as a teenager, which means that it was within the past few years. I’m confused about how that translates to having been “alone for five years”.
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Tiffany, you are so technical. I had to go back and look at the paper trail for the exact numbers. 1998-2001 I lived alone after my divorce. 2002-2005 My ex wife lived with me. I have lived alone since 2005.
Yes, I have had a few relationships. The longest one lasted three months, I believe. I think the key word on your comment is “Fairly” serious relationship.
So you equate “living alone” with “being alone”? My whole point when I talked about being alone for five minutes was that many people unfortunately scramble to fill the void, even if those relationships don’t really hold the promise of anything except having someone around. A string of non-serious relationships seems to support that point more than argue against it.
[...] you should know what you want in a partner or in a relationship; I definitely don’t advocate checklist-style mate-shopping. No, the idea that it’s important to know what you’re after–something that [...]
[...] exists. The information that I gather from the women I date ends up being more of a “what I don’t want”. Which, may or may not be more practical than a list of what I do [...]