Men seem to see competition everywhere. Maybe it’s in their genes; maybe on some deep, subconscious level they’re always barefoot and sweaty in an amphitheater somewhere hoping their chain mail holds out. 
But the reality is that to be in competition with someone, you have to be chasing the same goal–and that’s something men seem to lose sight of when they consider the “competition” in the dating world.
Naturally, this revelation was triggered by something Mike said to me earlier today. He mentioned a friend of his who was “so good at the game” that it forced other men to behave differently than they might have naturally. That concept troubled me for many reasons, but most of them didn’t bear addressing because there was a gaping hole in the argument: it assumed that guys like Mike and guys like his friend were playing the same game.
Of course, we all know that there are men out there who are masters at “playing the game”…but what are they playing to win? It’s not, in most cases, any kind of meaningful long-term relationship. They’re playing for kicks, for good times, for random sex, to show off the most good-looking women or any of a dozen other short-term, lightweight achievements. Their methods are carefully refined to achieve those goals, and they work well (if that’s what you’re after).
But something unfortunate happens. Guys who are after something entirely different see that “success” and get confused. They forget or overlook the fact that what the successful players have isn’t what they want at all. They get to thinking that what works for the guy whose only goal is notches on his bedframe is a really good way to go about finding a life partner. So they’re “forced” to behave differently than they normally would; they’re “forced” to do their best to adopt the methods of the men who have made an art form out of womanizing.
It doesn’t work in part because it doesn’t come naturally. One reason womanizers are so very good at what they do is that they’re comfortable with the role they’re playing. More importantly, though, it doesn’t work because it’s the wrong formula for what better men are trying to achieve. To attempt to adopt the successful womanizers system in pursuit of a serious relationship is a bit like attempting to use an award-winning chocolate cupcake recipe to make carrot cake. Even if it works perfectly, you don’t end up with what you wanted.
It isn’t just guys. Maybe not even predominantly guys. Think Mrs. Robinson. Or your sister, before she got bored with men.
Dani seems to be getting back to my original point. “Before she got bored with men”, men or womanizers? See, do the womanizers not “force” other men to work extra hard to prove themselves to women who have grown bored men?
Mike, I can’t speak for her, but I doubt very much that it was the prevalence of womanizers in the world that bored her. Her “boredom” came on the heels of two LTRs with men who, though imperfect, I’d definitely never think to characterize as womanizers.
Dani, do you really think that women feel that same competition, though? I think women are more likely to realize that they’re not playing the same game or competing for the same men and just operate in a different (and more appropriate) arena.