We don’t form relationships anymore: we shop for mates, or friends with benefits or one-night stands. We scan for what we want, not even registering the prospects as human beings with their own hopes and desires and feelings unless they look like something we might want to toss in the cart. Speed dating is mate-shopping at its worst, and that’s true in large part for exactly the reason Mike says it can be beneficial: it relies on screening based on instantaneous physical attraction.
I’d go so far as to argue that physical attraction is not only the primary screening tool in speed dating, but the ONLY one that can be considered in a speed-dating situation. Well-intentioned speed dates might honestly believe they’re considering other characteristics, but really…how much of your true self do you reveal in ten minutes? Even if you’re absolutely honest, doesn’t it often take a few minutes to warm up and relax? And don’t we all know that some people take longer to warm up than others?
Even on a full-length date, aren’t there often a few awkward moments at the beginning, a bit of grinding of the gears before thing start rolling along smoothly? Haven’t you had great dates with less-than-great opening acts? So what do those few minutes really tell us?
They tell us two things, and neither one is particularly important: whether we have an immediate, superficial physical attraction and whether the person across the table is glib in social situations.
I don’t dispute that physical attraction is important. Still, I think physical attraction is a terrible basis on which to choose a potential mate because it is perhaps the one desirable characteristic that is absolutely never enough to build a relationship on. People of similar character who can trust one another, make each other laugh, build a life together can maintain a solid relationship even when physical attraction wanes. Couples who have nothing but physical attraction to hold them together have a tough time weathering lapses in communication, common goals and trust.
Likewise, the fact that someone can be witty and charming immediately, with no adjustment period, means little in terms of a long-term relationship. Some of the funniest people I know don’t come out of their shells in the first ten minutes you know them; a guy who is a laugh a minute for the first ten minutes may have just exhausted all of his material (ever notice that the guys who are most facile with a witty line when you first meet them tend to throw out those same lines over and over again until you want to hire someone to kill them?). Maybe someone who is funny in a ten-minute bite is a funny guy–or maybe he’s just glib and has a few well-rehearsed lines down to help him make a good impression in a few minutes. You don’t know. Only time will tell…and in speed dating, time is the one thing you don’t have.
I love the last line. If you find that you have an amazing relationship with someone who you find physically repulsive, is he still “The one”? Could a relationship work without any physical attraction? For me, it couldn’t.
I’m not saying physical attraction shouldn’t be a factor; I’m pretty sure you know that. I’m saying that making it the first and most important factor in deciding whether or not to get to know someone further puts the emphasis on something that will never be the foundation of a strong relationship. And there’s a lot of ground between “instant chemistry” and “physically repulsive”, isn’t there?
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But it is the first. Not as far as priorities go but as far as the one thing you can tell right away. What’s the first thing that you notice about someone if not appearance? I’m not at all trying to be shallow here, it may sound that way. I’ve fallen head over heels for women who I wasn’t initially attracted to. However, if given a choice (or choices), I think that a first “actual” date will go much better if there is some physical attraction between the two.
I love the last line. If you find that you have an amazing relationship with someone who you find physically repulsive, is he still “The one”? Could a relationship work without any physical attraction? For me, it couldn’t.
But it is the first. Not as far as priorities go but as far as the one thing you can tell right away. What’s the first thing that you notice about someone if not appearance? I’m not at all trying to be shallow here, it may sound that way. I’ve fallen head over heels for women who I wasn’t initially attracted to. However, if given a choice (or choices), I think that a first “actual” date will go much better if there is some physical attraction between the two.
[...] and I have debated quite a bit about the role of physical attraction in recognizing potential mates. It’s not that I don’t think physical attraction is [...]
Martin, I think that depends on the person. It’s never the first for me–I can’t look at a stranger and find him attractive, no matter what he looks like. Attraction grows in response to his humor or a connection or any of a hundred other things, but it’s not a response to straight-up physical appearance.
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Reading this post reminded me of my brother Frank who says he is studying to become a PUA, or “pickup artist.” LOL. He spends hours every day on internet forums reading and writing about this stuff. corny lines to start conversations. Guys should just be themselves and treat women with respect. Just be yourself and treat women with respect and we’ll give you a chance. And guys should also stop being so cheap. When I go to the club to get my drink on, I do NOT expect to pay for my own drinks and you guys are supposed to offer. Maybe I should start my own company to show guys how to be respectful and obedient and REALLY get a girlfriend, LOL…