It’s true. I tell Mike to cut his losses all the time. It might seem a bit contradictory, because I’m not a fan of the modern mentality that says as soon as the roller coaster passion dies down for five minutes, you should start shopping around for someone more exciting. In theory, I don’t even believe in divorce, though I think the nonsensical system of marriage in our country makes it inevitable. But those are issues that kick in after you’ve done the vetting, after you’ve made good decisions, after you’ve made the commitment (after, I hope, careful consideration and adequate time).
This thing I’m always warning Mike against is something different altogether, and something that impacts many areas of our lives besides romantic relationships. When something looks like it’s about to slip away from us, many of us instinctively hold on to it tighter rather than questioning whether or not we want to keep it. I’ve seen it in all areas of life: a friend who hates her job suddenly thinks it might be in jeopardy and starts working overtime and kissing up to her boss, trying hard to make sure she doesn’t lose the opportunity to come in to an office she hates and take orders from someone she doesn’t respect every day; a casual friend whose company you didn’t much enjoy stops calling, and you start to wonder why she’s mad at you and call her to check in. It must be some sort of survival instinct, but I’m convinced that it can be overcome and that it MUST be…because it takes our eyes off the ball entirely. We forget to ask whether there’s anything worth salvaging, whether we even want the job or the other person to stay. We forget to question what “success” will look like.
And if we remembered to ask that question, and let ourselves answer it honestly, we’d know what success would look like: ugly. If you manage to save a bad relationship with an unsuitable person, your prize is a bad relationship with an unsuitable person.
