Probably in response to my “Know What You Want” post, Mike aptly pointed out that many people…just don’t. I definitely can’t disagree with that. I think that very few of us are clear on exactly what we want all of the time, and it’s certainly subject to change. For example, when I was in my twenties I had a high-powered, all-consuming career and loved every second of it. I didn’t get much sleep and didn’t have a lot of time for a personal life and didn’t mind a bit. I thought then that I’d always want to live that way. I knew I wanted a child, but I had a vision in my mind in which she would just roll smoothly into that constant rush of activity and adrenalin. I had my own business, so I could take her to work with me. I made good money and had the potential to make a lot more as time went on, so I could hire someone to come along and tend to her when work demanded my attention.
And then my daughter was born. I looked at her and couldn’t in a million years imagine what had been so inspiring about those long days and battles of wits; I couldn’t have been less interested in thick carpeting and heavy wooden desks and expensive artwork on the walls. For the next several years, though I did work part-time and freelance, my life revolved around fireflies and bubbles and a tiny child with mussed hair asking in the morning, “What do you want to do today?” Never would I have imagined that that was what I wanted until it was upon me.
The same, I’m sure, can happen with relationships. I suppose that could as easily have been swept out of my high-powered world by a man as I was by a child. I’m the first to say that we have to be prepared to go with what life brings us. But there’s a big difference between taking something as it comes and actively chasing it down…and too often it seems that chasing it down PRECEDES figuring out what it is. No one, of course, is going to know exactly what he or she wants in every area of life at all times. The important thing is to realize that if you don’t know what you’re chasing, you might want to stop running after it so hard and give yourself time to reflect, or life time to bring it to your doorstep.
Six months ago I probably would have disagreed with but after reading a great book called “Marry Him” (a case for “settling” – but really not – written for unmarried women who have impossibly “high standards”) I’m 100% in agreement that a) you might not know what you’re chasing and b) stop instead to reflect and you might find it. We can find joy when we put all the “stuff” aside and LIVE EVERY MOMENT. What a paradigm shift! It’s the journey, not the destination.
Some relationships take endless work and some are so simple that you think maybe something is missing. Stop analyzing. What matters is that you appreciate the people in your life and not concern yourself so much with the outcome. Will a relationship continue? Should you get married? Should you get divorced? Will you be lonely? Stop thinking of the “what if” possibilities and live your life and have fun. All we know for sure are the minutes we spend right now. Make them count. You’ll know when it’s time to end something. You’ll know when something is starting. Make everything in between as fun as you can.
Thanks for a great perspective Tiff.