I woke up this morning thinking about a man. That’s been happening lately, in a soft-focus kind of way that makes me smile. I’ll think about his smile, something he’s said to me; I’ll wonder what he’s doing in that moment. I enjoy crushes, which makes it rather sad or ironic that I’m not prone to them. To be precise, this is my second since I separated from my husband six years ago, and I’m milking it for all it’s worth. But let me be perfectly clear about what it’s worth.
I don’t enjoy a crush for its potential, for the hope that something “more” will one day come of it, for the prospect of a relationship-in-the-making. The man I woke up thinking of this morning has been a part of my life for a while now, and I like him right where he is. I don’t act any differently with him. I don’t plan to tell him. I don’t hope to date him. I’m simply enjoying the little spark and crackle our interactions now put in my day. And that crackle spreads out to change my days in a thousand little ways.
Attraction brings out the peacock in all of us, I think–even if we’re hens. It’s certainly benefitted me in a hundred small ways over the years. As a teenager, the group I bowled with included a boy who was off limits to me, but who commanded my full attention when he was in the room. In that one summer, my bowling average climbed to new heights—knowing he was watching seemed to give me a superpower. But I didn’t lose ground when the summer ended; whatever I was unconsciously learning in the drive to show off my colorful feathers stuck with me.
Years later, when I was teaching, a man walked through my classroom doors who filled the air with electricity. I was married then; so was he. There was no question that anything might come of it, that either of us would cross that line. But the intellectual banter inspired me; the fact that he was listening to every word I said from the front of the room sharpened my focus. My final evaluations for that class came in at 4.98 on a 5.0 scale.
It troubles me that so many people seem to see a crush as something to be “dealt with”, as something that you have to either act on or get over. It’s not an obstacle and it’s not necessarily a first step in a longer path—it is what it is in the moment, and the benefits of that (if you can bring yourself to live in the present rather than the possible future) can be endless.
I’m going right on doing what I’ve been doing. If I happen to dress a little better, be more inclined to put on make-up before I run out to the store, drink green tea instead of coffee with cream and sugar that’s all to the good. And if I craft my words a little more carefully thinking about him reading them, that’s good for my career, my readers and my skills. And if occasionally I see his eyes when I close mine at night…that’s no one’s business but my own.
I love crushes too but I have always looked at them as something that needed to be dealt with, there was some kind of work involved and usually that blew the whole thing. I like your way of having a crush, just enjoying it for what it is and putting no more expectations on it.
Even as I read this, I am listening to Songs to Put Your Head In the Oven To: Crazy, You Don’t Know Me, You (Bonnie Raitt). Unrequited is what I do best. I’ve been pining for one man for 14 years!
Yes, I know, scary crazy. lol
Thanks for a little bit of validation.
Oh, Marie, I don’t think I can support “pining”! That’s a whole different ballgame from enjoying a crush for what it is. If you’re hurting over what’s not or hoping for something to change, that’s not same as taking pleasure in what is. I wouldn’t say scary or crazy, but it sure doesn’t sound like much fun.