Tiffany once told me that physical intimacy is like a placebo, an illusion of real intimacy. I’ll be the first to admit that I immediately thought she was wrong and just being…girlie. How much more intimate can you be than being “intimate”? However, my obsessive brain and habitual recreational thinking lead me on a path to prove here wrong. That path didn’t go the direction I wanted.
I seems that she is right (she’s gonna love that) physical intimacy is a replacement, placebo or even an oxymoron. It is, however, the easiest and fastest way to get that immediate feeling of being close to someone. But seriously, I don’t know how “close” I am with that one woman at that party whose name I never even knew and yet was “intimate” with? What a horrible revelation, it seemed so real at the time.
Intimacy comes from getting to know someone, opening up to them, sharing and building trust. It comes with a risk of being hurt. It’s that vulnerability factor that makes intimacy. Which makes a great analogy to physical intimacy, are we not vulnerable with our clothes off? Sure, but probably not as vulnerable as we are when we let people in to discover our weaknesses, fears, hopes and dreams.
Now, I say that this is a process that happens over time and I think we both agree on that. I think that where we have a difference of opinion is how much you should reveal about yourself in the beginning. I think it’s a better plan to ease people into your quirkiness and bad habits. See, you want to give them a good mixture of, “I’ve got this going for me and this working against me”. Tiffany argues that any bad habits or “quirks” should be disclosed up front. I believe that people are the sum of their parts and there’s a good chance that the positive qualities will outweigh the bad if given a proper chance.
I could have told you Tiffany was right. Real intimacy takes time and risk. Being intimate takes a couple of drinks and sometimes not even that. I also agree it’s best to get the tough stuff out of the way before things get too intimate. That way if someone wants to bail no one has too much at stake. However, the ‘tough stuff’ is subjective. I have no trouble throwing out there that I have been married and divorced twice, something I am not proud of but since they will find it out sooner or later it seems a smart move to just tell them upfront. It might be years before I share with a guy my issues that even I am just getting used to. Is that bait and switch?