When asked what the most important thing is in a relationship, the number one answer is surprising. From what I have seen, “love” seems to be number one. Trust appears to be coming in at a close second. Honesty is another heavy hitter in the “Things we want” list but it still won’t win the prize. Granted, these are all good contenders. But if the prize is to stay together, they will all fall just short.
I did a quick search on Google to find out what people think is the most important thing in a relationship. I was not surprised to see that a good sense of humor or even sex made it on the list. But even the list of the top five (that seemed very official) lacked the answer I was looking for. I know that I have managed to salvage a marriage, temporarily, with perfectly timed chocolate. But I wouldn’t put that on my list. At least not in the top 5. I would say that fidelity is important. We did a poll on monogamy recently (just thought I’d mention that).
John Lennon once said, “All you need is love”. That sounds nice but love, trust, honesty and a good sense of humor doesn’t amount to anything without the willingness to be together. In fact, the first question that marriage counselors normally ask is, “Are you willing to make this work”. If the answer is “no”, love is not all you need.
I’ve been guilty of wasting my breathe by spouting out a laundry list of reasons to stay in a relationship with someone that had simply lost the willingness to stay with me. It still doesn’t seem like the math adds up, a thousand reasons to make it work and only one reason to give up. However, that willingness thing trumps all.
Love, honesty and trust, and a sense of humor, are all important but if there is no willingness to make it work it won’t. There will be times in a marriage when the love is just not there for one partner, there will be times when trust and honesty are also hard to find and anyone who has a newborn knows that sex isn’t always there either but if both partners aren’t willing to ride out the storms they may as well throw in the towel and at least save everyone a lot of wasted time.
The willingness to make it work is really key. Learning to accept that the people we are in relationships aren’t always going to be that perfect person we fell in love with isn’t easy. When we fall in love, we come to expect our relationship to always be that comfortable glove we slipped into, but the truth is it won’t always be that way. And I really think coming to terms with the fact that the one we love won’t always be perfect (and neither will we,) is the key to staying together even when things don’t live up to our expectations. (look at me all talking like I know what I’m saying.)
Jenny, that’s a good point. Most relationships begin with a special passion that comes simply from the newness of it all. If we have an expectation of that to continue forever, we set ourselves up for failure. I can’t imagine anyone actually saying the words, “I’m willing to stay with you as long as you can remain perfect”. No, that’s not true, I actually can imagine someone saying that.
Mike, both my ex husbands were only willing to stay with me as long as I remained perfect, which is why both marriages ended shortly after the birth of my children. Which makes a good point, you have to find the right person too. I ignored red flags about their maturity. Had I been less wrapped up in the newness of things I would have ended both relationships before they got to marriage.
This is one of the many reasons that I so favor relationships that begin with friendship and not a “special passion”. Getting to know one another as real human beings not blinded by pheremones creates the foundation for a very different kind of relationship than the superficial impressions we gather based on physical attraction and surface charm.
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[...] A while ago I think I was in a relationship with a women. I say, “I think” because I’m not entirely certain. You see, she was a little flippant with regards to being considered “in a relationship” and would mysteriously dump me at random intervals. We seemed to be perfect for each other. We had similar interests, we are both creative and artistic. We both had similar backgrounds and worked in similar fields. Our kids got along and we seemed to integrate well together. We were friends and had a very strong attraction. Even the areas where we were complete opposites seemed to compliment each other, one of us was a slob and the other was a clean freak. It wouldn’t be fair for me to say who was who but I do kinda miss cleaning up after her. I could write a dozen posts spouting all the reasons that we should still be together and why it worked so well. However, she uttered four words that trumped my thousand reasons, “I’m not feeling it”. And where there is no will, there’s no way. [...]