A few days ago, Mike pointed out that no relationship stands a chance if the people in it aren’t motivated to make it work. Both people. He’s right, and frankly I’m glad to hear him say it, because you probably all know by now that Mike is no stranger to the belief that he alone can hold a relationship together by sheer force of will.
It’s one of those observations you run across from time to time and think, “Wow–that’s so obvious. Why have I never thought about that before?” But the answer is pretty clear, and quite possibly the same answer to 90% of questions that begin, “Why didn’t I ever realize…?” We don’t want to.
Recognizing that no relationship can survive if you don’t have the will to make it work means that you have to either commit to doing the work or accept responsibility for letting the relationship die. Recognizing that no relationship can survive if the other person doesn’t have the will to make it work means accepting that you can do everything right and still lose. Holding a relationship together really isn’t within your control. Your partner can’t do it alone, but neither can you.
But how does knowing will is required help? Maybe it pushes us to work harder, and maybe it occasionally helps us realize that since our partner’s head isn’t in the game, it’s just not going to work out. Once upon a time, the will to make it work was something of a presumption. People decided on partners and went into marriage believing that no matter what, they were in it for life. In those days, summoning the will was a given–the relationship wasn’t going anywhere, so it made no sense at all to give up on making it as good a relationship as possible.
For better or worse, that’s no longer true. Walking away is an option, and one that’s regularly exercised. And because it’s an option, will is no longer presumed: when things are rough, you can either invest the effort in making it work and hope your partner does the same, or you can just move on to someone else with whom you can share that effortless burst of new passion. Making it work seems to be growing less and less popular; it’s considered a personal achievement to walk away from a bad relationship and start over. And that changes the entire landscape of maintaining a relationship (or not).
That’s why, I think, people talk about physical attraction and honesty and trust and humor and all of those attractors, not just in the screening process but years into a marriage. Because without the power of a commitment that meant something, without a vow to stay together for life rather than until it no longer suited, most people require those motivations in order to find the will to make it work. And perhaps that’s as it should be, at least in the relatively early days, at least before marriage and children and major life entanglements are in play. Why, after all, would you want to find the will to form and maintain a relationship with someone you couldn’t trust, or who was unkind, or who created constant financial problems for you?
i feel it should be pointed out that i’m way hotter than the girl on the bench.