I thought that I was happy. Or, at least, I thought I was putting on a good illusion of being happy. Whichever it was, I didn’t want my kids to know that my marriage was draining the life out of me and leaving just a hollow shell. I nearly had myself fooled and thought that I had fooled others as well. I heard a line in a movie once that was something to the effect of, “Be careful who you pretend to be. Because, in the end, that’s who you really are”. If I pretended to be happy, I would think that I would be.
A few years after I got divorced, my ex-wife moved back in with me. It worked, as a sort of arrangement but not as a marriage. It lasted for four years. Another four years that I thought I was happy. At least, I thought I had everyone fooled into thinking I was happy again. When it ended, my daughter decided that she wanted to stay with me.
Once I decided that I was ready to start dating again, I was worried about my daughter’s feelings. I thought that she may have held out hope that Mom and Dad may get back together someday. Of course, if I started dating that hope would fade. I heard a grown man once tell me that he still hoped his parents would get back together, it would make the holidays easier. Another person told me that he knew, growing up, that his parents were staying together just for him. He actually wished they had simply gotten a divorce and lived happily ever after. Even as a child he could sense that they were just not happy.
When I talked to my daughter about this, she said that she did not hope that I would get back together with her Mom. Surprisingly, this twelve year old girl said, “You were not yourself when you were with Mom. I have my Dad back and I don’t want to lose you again”. Lose me? She actually felt like she had lost her Dad. Fairly accurate assessment when you think that, in my own words, I was “just a hollow shell”.
I know that people stay together for their kids but it may not be what is best for them. Sure, it might be what they want. But, if you are truly unhappy in the relationship with the other parent, you are probably cheating your kids out of one parent… You. It has to be judged on a case by case basis with careful consideration of who you are and who you could be if you were separated. Sometimes, what our kids want is not what’s best for them and we have to be the adults and decide. Otherwise, our kids would be eating cake and ice cream for dinner every night and we all know that’s not healthy.
Photo courtesy simmbarb @ sxc.hu
