Life, Love and Online Dating

1. You’re Still Fantasizing about Getting Back with Your Ex. It’s not fair to the person sitting across the table from you, trying to live in that moment with you, if you’re not there.  And it’s pointless, anyway.  Friends may tell you that you have to “get back out there” to get the ex out of your heart and mind, but the truth is that as long as you’re keeping that place warm and available for him/her, you’re not going to respond to someone else–even if the potential love of your life happens along.  Don’t burn good leads when you’re not in a position to close the deal.

2. You’re Still Obsessing Over What Went Wrong with Your Ex.  This one is simple and straightforward–if you can’t get your head into the present and keep it there, you’re not in a position to start a new relationship. And if you’re that confused about what went wrong, odds are there are some things you need to learn about yourself before you’re ready to start up something new.

3.  You’re Caught Up in a Messy Divorce/Custody Battle/Fight Over Property. A new crush might seem like a great way to take your mind off your problems and shore up your ego, but be a grown-up–clean up your yard before you start inviting people into it.  Aside from it being damned inconsiderate to suck other people into your drama, a relationship that starts out mired in someone else’s crap doesn’t stand a good chance.

4.  You’re a Suddenly-Single Parent. Yeah, yeah…you need support and another adult and blah, blah, blah.  Your kid needs your full attention right now. End of discussion.

5.  You Just Hate Being Alone and Don’t Know What to Do With Your Downtime. The fact that the end of a relationship left a big old hole in your life that you don’t know how to fill doesn’t mean you should rush out and grab the first available facsimile of the ex so that you don’t have to look at that empty space.  Figure out what’s missing in YOU and tend to it; it will make you a much better partner when you do get involved again.

6.  The Same Thing Goes Wrong in All of Your Relationships and You Just Don’t Know Why. Ever hear that old quote from Einstein about the definition of insanity?  If you’re doing the same thing over and over again and it just keeps on not working, it’s time to stop and assess.  Whether you’re choosing badly or doing something destructive in the relationship, there’s something broken in your process.  Don’t repeat it.

7.  You’ve Recently Been Diagnosed with an Emotional of Mental Disorder. Sure, people with this kind of problem enter into successful relationships every day–once they’ve learned to understand their issues and how to handle them.  Right after diagnosis, you have bigger things to worry about than your next date, and need to stay focused.  And the guy who just met you and says “no problem…I can deal with that.  We’ll get through it together…” isn’t supportive.  He’s codependent, or worse.  You don’t need his issues complicating your life.

8.  You’re Violent. Again, this is not something to work out with your new love at your side. Deal with your issues, become a person it’s safe to be involved with, then we’ll talk.

9.  You’re in Financial Crisis. This one should be a no-brainer, but people in crisis seem to think in terms of “deserving” something good or needing some distraction.  You don’t need a distraction; you need to get your finances sorted out.  Don’t waste your limited funds on a date or expect your new partner to finance you.  (If she says she doesn’t mind and seems glad to pay your way, see the last three sentences of #7 above.)

10.  There is Anything at All that You Feel You Have to Conceal in Order to Get Someone to Go Out With You. If you have to trick someone into dating you, that really says it all, doesn’t it?  You don’t want to date someone who is only dating you because she thinks you’re someone different and better than you really are, and really, fraud is just ugly.  If she wouldn’t go out with you if she knew the truth, she’s not a good choice for you.