Once upon a time, before we had…knowledge, we had instincts to tell us what to do. Today, some of them still serve a purpose (It would be hard to teach a newborn baby how to eat). But I think that some of our instincts are simply outdated and do more harm than good. Like being lead down a dirt road when there are more modern, paved roads. And yet, many of us still follow these dirt roads away from civilization. I recently did a post about how my fatherly instincts were telling me to hinder my daughter’s personal growth but I also think that instincts play a major role in dating.
Instinctively, women will seek out a man who should make a good provider. This translates to a man who is assertive, a real “go getter”. Which may have worked in uncivilized times when a good provider would hunt bison and beat up other cave men to steal their caves. Today, most men are a little more refined than that. I asked around to find out what women thought an “assertive man” was. I was hoping that the answers I got would somehow equate assertiveness to being a good provider but I was wrong. In fact, the answers I got were quite surprising.
Assertiveness, as my polls seem to indicate, is more about attitude and has nothing to do with providing anything. Women seem to equate assertiveness with confidence but not “success”. Even Tiffany’s idea of an assertive man is someone who is, “Clear about what he wants and what he believes in. Just to be clear…I mean clear about COMMUNICATING it, not clear in his mind”. Really? It’s not a man who owns his own home, starts his own company or has a car? Apparently, assertiveness is an attitude that can be communicated, requires no proof and leaves no paper trail.
I even heard some more romantic notions about an assertive man. Ones that involved being tossed on the bed and…um… hair pulling. Well, that sounds like a hoot but I fail to see how that pays the bills and keeps the rain off your head. In caveman days, that may have been the man who would make the best provider but it’s not necessarily the case today.
What I’m hearing is that assertive men keep asking for what they want and don’t let up until they get it. So, the guy who hounds his friend to drive him up to the store is assertive? What about the friend who actually owns the car? The paper trail would indicate that HE is the assertive one. And couldn’t it also be said that he would be the better provider? Are our instincts leading down the wrong path?
Photo courtesy anitak @ sxc.hu
WHERE are you hearing that “assertive men keep asking for what tehy want and don’t let up until they get it”? It’s not what I said and it’s not in any of the 35 responses you got when you asked this question on BlogCatalog: http://www.blogcatalog.com/discuss/entry/question-for-the-women-of-bc
It seems that you ignored most of what was in the thread Tiffany referenced and you started in the first place. You also started with an assumption that women instinctively look for a good provider. Both of these things led you down the wrong path with this post. I instinctively looked for a man who would be a good partner and parent (not that I knew it at the time) but many women fail to do even that.
Assertiveness is a quality I value in both men and woman and all my friend’s possess it. Assertiveness is the ability to express one’s point of view in a mature and self-confident manner, without becoming aggressive. It most certainly is not becoming a demanding and persistent nag or a bully.
To be assertive you need to be:
able to express your authentic needs;
aware of the needs of others;
mature enough to negotiate settlements, without provoking or manifesting hostility.
This is interesting. I think of men as being naturally assertive, so a man who is known as an “assertive man” sounds unusually pushy to me. I don’t think of that word in terms of “a good provider” – that seems more like someone who is stubborn, insists on his way, and doesn’t stop to get it. I’d prefer “sensitive” to “assertive” I think.
The responses on that thread were more about “attitude”. I heard assertiveness described in great detail as far as it’s proximity to confidence, arrogance, what have you. I gave it a few days and not one mention of assertiveness having any proof. No mention of an assertive man being the boss, having anything to show for his “assertiveness” or even having a job.
Nope, as far as I’m concerned, the results might as well be that an assertive man is the loudest guy in the bar.
Tiffany, in response to your question, I got that from the post that I placed on Yahoo answers. “assertiveness is just asking for what you want, over and over again. to as many people as you can. until you get what you want.”
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100820161437AAdECPt
Legbamel, doesn’t a good parent “provide” for his/her children? Doesn’t a good partner “provide” companionship (if nothing else)?
But that’s one response out of at least a dozen you received, and it’s two lines out of a response that was 15-20 lines long. It seems like you were shopping for the line you wanted to respond to rather than actually responding to the prevailing view.
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