In his most recent post, Mike seems to suggest that we should determine whether or not a man is assertive by what he’s achieved in life. To some degree, I agree with him: for instance, he talks a lot about being a good provider, and in my mind a man who is not assertive CAN’T be a good provider. Sure, he can luck into a position where he has what his family needs–maybe he inherits it or wins the lottery or just drifts into a cush job and is lucky enough to keep it–but those things don’t make him a good provider. They just make him lucky. A good provider finds a way to take care of the people he loves even in tough times, and that’s where assertiveness comes in. When the chips are down and you have to fight for what you need, the man who is a coward or a pleaser will fail every time.
Here’s an example that will forever stick in my mind: When my daughter was little and I was only working part-time, my husband’s company asked him to take on a project out of state for several months. Him taking on this position would costs us a bundle–in addition to having to pay for child care while I worked and travel, he had to front money for hotel rooms and meals and then submit expense reports later. When you added all of that together, we’d be putting out more each week than he brought home (though we’d eventually get back the hotel costs). No problem, his boss assured him–as of his first day on the new job he’d have a new title and a significant raise. So he packed up and went to Northern Michigan and I signed our daughter up with the local child care center, and we used his entire paycheck for his travel and hotel and most of mine to pay for the child care…and the raise never materialized.
For thirteen weeks we scrambled to survive and I begged and pleaded with landlords and utilities and explained our situation dozens of times. Meanwhile, he kept on doing his job and he mentioned the raise a few times to his boss, but he didn’t want to annoy them and when he got vague answers he didn’t press them. The day I received an eviction notice I called him and he said, “I don’t know what I can do. I’ve asked them three times.”
I knew what I could do. I faxed the eviction notice to his boss with a brief description of breach of contract law and a list of the possible damages we’d be asking for if it came to that. Three days later we had a check in hand for the retroactive difference and the new pay rate was effective moving forward…but if I’d left it to my husband to deal with, we’d have lost the roof over our heads. Obviously, he wasn’t a good provider: he was a reliable employee who was talented enough and well-liked enough that he was asked to take on a special project in a new facility and offered a significant raise to do it, but without assertiveness that didn’t benefit his family one bit–it just made him a great person for the company to take advantage of.
A man can have all the talent, work ethic and learned skill in the world, but if he can’t put his foot down and press for what’s fair and what he’s due, he’s getting by at someone else’s pleasure. The same concept applies in every area of life: if a man can’t tell his mate that something is bothering him because he’s afraid of rocking the boat, it’s going to fester and ultimately kill their relationship; if he can’t draw firm lines with his children, they’ll be the ones to pay the price later in life; if he can’t speak up and hold his ground in a business deal, he’ll be taken advantage of; if he can’t tell his employees when they’re doing a crappy job, they won’t improve and the business or his division will fail. And such a man may buy a house, a car, hold a good job, etc. when circumstances fall into place for him–but it’s what he does when things aren’t falling into place that matters. In a nutshell, the guy who can’t assert himself is only good when you don’t need him.
Frequently, when the word “assertiveness” is used closer examination will reveal what’s being described is “aggressiveness”. Well, aggressiveness and assertiveness are quite different. Your personal example of the inability of your former husband to manifest assertiveness, and your own assertive act when he failed to produce is a powerful one. It illustrated that assertiveness is the ability to speak up, take a stand for what you are due, and to follow through. Your conclusion is also right on because any man who cannot be assertive is not a good relationship prospect.
I agree with your definition of “assertiveness”. But you obviously can’t tell that a man has this quality at a glance. It’s hard to tell after a few months or even years. But i was talking about “instincts” and they don’t have the patience for that.
Mike, I agree that you can’t tell instantly. It does take months of getting to know someone. But that’s true of all characteristics that are important for a relationship. That’s why I feel so strongly about the strange habit people have these days of meeting someone, seeing him/her several times a week for three weeks and deeming themselves “in a relationship”. It’s impossible to know anything about how a person interacts with the real world and what kind of partner he/she would make at that point, which is exactly why it should be part of the getting to know you phase rather than the “I’ve picked you and we’re trying to make it work” phase.
Tiffany, the “getting to know you” phase is often dictated by the “instinctively drawn to” phase. How do we chose the people we want to get to know? We are drawn to certain qualities. Some are learned and some are instinctive. Megan Fox is hot, why? Good birthing hips. You’ll never hear a man (other than me) say that but it’s the primal reason behind the attraction.
Ah, but see, you’ve destroyed your own argument. Queen Latifah has good birthing hips–Megan Fox will probably have sciatic problems for the rest of her life after the birth of her first child.
But even assuming your point is valid in some cases, so what? The getting to know you phase is NOT “dictated” by fleeting physical attraction–it’s dictated by your choices. We’re all perfectly free to get to know people as humans and make educated decisions about who we’re interested in instead of granting power to that meaningless instantaneous response.
I’ll take sciatic problems over high blood pressure, diabetes and heart disease. Which of these two appear more likely to produce healthy offspring?
Are you actually implying that there aren’t certain qualities that we find attractive in the people we decide to get to know? I didn’t say “appearance”, I said “qualities”.
Wow! Some great comments on this article! You must have some great followers! I enjoy your blog, as it is usually hard to find quality content on dating sites.
You can’t have it both ways, Mike–if it’s a primal, outdated instinct then it dates back to a time when larger women were considered healthier and good breeding stock and the frail just that. In fact, many of the prototypical women who are considered most attractive in our society have body fat so low that they aren’t even capable of bearing children.
But no, I’m not “implying” that there’s nothing useful you can identify about a person in short order upon meeting–I’m stating it directly. There may be things that make it clear that you need to run like hell, but anything that catches your attention instantly is superficial and meaningless and there’s no reason in the world it should play into your decision as to whether or not to get to know a person better.
While I understand the premise, I disagree. I know plenty of men who are strong, assertive and successful in the professional life but do not apply the same principles to their personal life. These men are great providers, they work hard, set boundaries at work, get their raises, lead teams – and yet when they walk out the office door it all falls apart. There is a side of me that thinks perhaps they simply do not want to be in charge of all areas of their lives. There is another side that says, maybe they just take the people in the personal life for granted and do not feel compelled to work as hard for them. Either way – success in one area does not breed success in another.