It’s Valentine’s Day, and that means a lot of people who rarely give any thought to romance are buying candy and flowers and planning candlelight dinners or romantic getaways. It also means that a bunch of men are on autopilot: men who are scrambling to fit the romantic mold for one day of the year, and other men who are feeling smug and superior because they send flowers and buy little gifts for their girlfriends all the time, not just when Hallmark demands it.
As a woman who’s never been much about the trappings, I’m wondering just how many men in either of those categories has stopped and thought about what the object of his affections actually wants. I’m guessing not many, and here’s why: I’ve heard a lot of men over the years say that they don’t understand what women want, or ask how a woman would want them to respond to a given situation. I can’t recall ever having heard one of those men ask what Kelly wants or what Sue needs him to do when she’s going through somethingorother.
I can’t speak for any other woman (that’s kind of the point here), but I can tell you that what I want a man to do in relation to me almost always starts with having a clue who I am and what’s important to me. (Hint: it’s not candy and flowers. Never has been, never will be.) If a guy needs to see himself as the kind of guy who sends flowers for no reason–if that’s important to his self-image or he just likes doing it–that’s fine. I’m not saying he should change what comes naturally to him. I am, however, saying that he shouldn’t pretend that he’s doing it for me, because “women like flowers”. Some women like flowers a lot, some like them a little, some are indifferent, some hate them passionately, some are allergic…because, just like men, women are individual humans with individual preferences. We don’t think with one brain.
That means that treating a woman well means something different for every single woman, and that the very concept is meaningless if it’s not based on the needs and preferences of the individual woman in question. So, if you’re looking for a magic formula to help you understand “what women want” or “how to win her heart”, try this one out: listen to her, learn who she is and what she values and respond accordingly. It really is that simple–and that complicated.
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Of course, that’s all well and good for men that have been with a woman long enough to know what she wants. But, what about couples who recently started dating? There, the lines aren’t as clear.